My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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