He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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