I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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