I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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