allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
