there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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