What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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