Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Come share oat with me in your robe
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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