Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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