Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
