Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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