Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
