i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
and she was petting her beer can
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
