it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
