why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
