i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You ruined the universe
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
