Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
