I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
