So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I party with great urgency now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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