So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
