My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
