Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Couch. On fire.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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