and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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