having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
