I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
