bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize