He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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