She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
