Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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