He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
