I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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