I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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