Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
