Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
