i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
