so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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