I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
