Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
