I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
the condom got lost in my hair
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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