i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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