how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
