So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she told me i tasted like america
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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