I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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