Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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