also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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