Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
