Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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