oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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