For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
