Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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