It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
