i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize