Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
