If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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