Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm bleeding and have questions
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
