Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
