I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
