Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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