Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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