You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
